Somewhere inside of you! (For all the men)

Somewhere inside of you

There is a small boy too

A boy who wants to be loved
A boy who wants his hair to be ruffled
Who lost his childhood
Only remembers his struggle

A boy whose eyes still hold
Dreams that he once cherished
Dreams that help him soar
Above his agony so un-bearish

He held on to that piece of sanity
Hoping his dreams would soon become a reality
Before long, the world and its wisdom came knocking on his door
Woke him out of his slumber
Shattered his tower and covered in fear!

So he now hides behind, doors made of steel
Reinforced with ideas that he’s built his reserve
He doesn’t need your love
He doesn’t need your smile
You see his attitude is enough to suffice.

But catch him when he’s down and defenseless
And you’ll see the glimpse of a child so helpless
Who is longing and yearning to be accepted by you
With arms stretched out simply crying silent tears
One who’ll never tell you his worst fears.

It takes that kind of woman to see through his facade
The strong walls of his towers are crumbling again
But he fears this loss, his control over his sanity
Its not long before, his succumbs to his frailty.

This poem is for all the men out there, many misunderstood, many putting up a facade, hiding behind steel walls, afraid to let go and love!

 

Why are we alone?

Is it a figment of my imagination or are we (#bpd) really alone

Though surrounded by people we are worried that we are alone.  

No one to understand and no one to share.

Earlier I used to share every thing with everyone freely like a child.

I don’t feel like that anymore!

I keep most of my feelings and experiences to myself and don’t reveal anything to the outside world.

Is it right?

I use this page to express myself.

I am an unknown entity here!

The problem is because we were left alone, that the world the society wants to leave us alone now!

We were the difficult children to whom a word of love or kindness was never given!

We now are the baggage of hatred, stuffed down the crushed soul of an neglected, abused child.

A child whose nourishment did not stem from love, rather, nourished on a constant supply of hatred.

It is a bondage which will tie us down in our past, a baggage we will carry into our future!

The stain and stigma of what we have not done!

But I choose to break this cycle of hatred.

I choose to let go and heal, because I don’t want to be trapped in that demonic rage and hatred that is threatening to engulf me!

I want to heal, I choose to heal.  I choose to forgive my oppressors.  I want to break free from the mold that has set around me!

No one, No one will ever be able to understand what we go through, unless they experience it for themselves.  But I would never wish even my enemy go through the deadly battle that rages inside of me!

The world is filling up fast with the remains of its victims of hatred.  Their bodies are piling fast and high! A vicious cycle has been formed and is threatening to engulf our future generations.

Hatred begets hatred and Love begets Love!  Unfortunately, we never have know what Love is! So strange!

It is just the feeling of aching and longing to us! An unreachable goal, a mountain we will never be able to climb!

 

 

 

Getting my thoughts together

Getting my thoughts together
I wonder what it takes
To bring all the emotions that flood inside of me
That can barely scratch the surface.

When I see people able to pen their thoughts
I struggle to understand, how they can
Cause for me, words are puny translators
for they cannot even fathom
the burst of what I feel inside

Even though I close my eyes and try to remember
What I was going to write
It seems just like yesterday when you held my hand
And my eyes beheld your love so clearly
Deeply embedded within my heart
I could feel your tangibility though physically miles apart.

I struggle with words and this is something new
Cause I never felt a loss of words before
For something that I always knew.

Knowing you is still not sufficient,
cause I feel so much I need to know
It is funny how I know you inwardly
though externally, there none to show.

You may speak your words of pretense
And set up a strong defense
But I know you truly and what you are longing for
You want a word of comfort
You desire a moment of joy
You desire to find a friend
Who would comfort you day and night

You need someone to supplement
The burst emotion you feel
You are so trapped because
you don’t know how to heal.

Come walk into my arms
Cause I am waiting for you
Gather you tenderly and shelter you anew.

But you see, this is exactly what I fear
Cause my words may not be that clear
And betray my sense of helplessness
For the choice of words I use!

Eternal Truth!

Rantings!

I felt I wanted to put this online, because I have been suffering in silence for a while now.  And if anyone can simply walk by this page and drop in a word of support, would be great, to my grieving soul.

I am suffering from BPD

Those who know about this know very well what I am going through.  Relationship crisis and mood swings.  But my guilt is that I found out recently about it.  Having to come to know about this, is a terrible burden.  To think what I have done and unleashed on those who loved me. The terrible agony I caused them.  The anger and the rage, all bellowing uncontrolled. I just want this to be over.  I cannot think of going on for a single day more!

But I believe in Jesus.  Here are my few thoughts penned down.

You are the one suffering with BPD
Don’t bring anyone else into this
I want to go through this alone
A few more years and then the Lord will come
Concentrate on Jesus, nothing else matters.

The undying truth in the midst of all this is that
I Love Jesus
Eternal truth!
Through the shifting of sands and the weathering of storms
One word, one sentence that has not changed within me is that
I love Jesus
NO matter what, I will hold on 2 that
I know He loves me
Sinful or holy, BPD or normal
He loves me
This will be over soon
Life in His arms will be truly beautiful
When I return home
He will embrace me and will not let go
I am beautiful in His eyes
He wants me to belong to him forever!

 

There are many who believe in Jesus out there I know.  Please say a prayer for me, that in spite the drumming in my head and twists and turns of everyday life I may find courage to go on!

 

Life without you!

How I struggle each moment
to live life without you
Since u have shut the door on me
Life’s barren twist I see

The road ahead is long and deary
And my strength fades faster
Every scratch of sanity I hang on to
Hoping praying today’s not my last!

I don’t want to give up
But I can’t face another day
When memories of our togetherness
Haunt me everyday.

Your smile, your twinkling eyes
You is what I long for
The spaces between my fingers
Want to feel you near
To feel your heart beating
Close to mine.

Try as much I, to push u away
You are aways in my thoughts
I realise, I love you with every
fibre of my being
And even if that is not enough
My heart I will place at your feet.

Emptiness …u can’t harm me

The emptiness has come back to haunt me
I can sense it nearing me
Catching up with me
I know what it did to me last time

Lord I run to you this time
And I ask you to hold me in your fold
Shelter me from this vicious grip
The feeling of being wanted
The need so deep within

Those cruel words now haunt me
Hurtful, sharp words that cut my soul
I never forget how alone I felt
Faltering and tripping in my own lost world
Angry and defensive and clawing around
Wanting to stop the agony and pain

Funny how people judge you
Funny how you need to wear a mask to look normal
Funny how you need to pretend at all times
When inside you are breaking down.

This time I’ll fight back
Cause I know your game
You can’t play me twice
and think it’s a simple game.

I know your tricks
I know your trade
I know you weapons
I know your gaze!

I am wearing my armour now
Armour of peace and clam
Ruffle me with your storm
Toss me around your charm

It’s not going to work
You might as well accept
Your words will not have any effect
Cause I don’t subscribe
To your measurement of me!
For inwardly you see
I am in love with me!

(The emptiness of a person with BPD can be killing… I have learn’t through a very difficult experience how it can almost kill you.  I find strength in my saviour to help me tide over and this.  

This is my story my determination to fight it and never let anyone put in me in their skewed thinking box… I may appear weird, but’s that who I am.  I accept it.  I don’t want to be a bad person and I cannot help it.  At least I know what I am!  That’s enough for starters 🙂     )

 

Locked in my heart!

I woke up this morning

Thinking I’ll put u away from my thoughts

Think of brighter things

And work my way out

I tried to escape thinking about you

And bang! your picture flashed into my mind

All I could see was your smiling eyes

Teasing me asking me “How was I?”

How can I be?  How should I be?

Now that you’ve invaded my soul

My tears have gone dry

and there is no more of me left to cry

I thought I was strong

I thought I could stand my ground

But your smile made small of my defenses

Broke down the walls of my pretenses

You wanted me to lower my guard

Bare my heart and connect with your soul

I did and see now what’s left

Not a shred of hope you’ve bestowed

Ran away like the first flight

My word scared you out of your mind

You turned and blamed me for your plight

Said I was weird and irrational at worst

When all that was happening was making me loose control

I did not want to tell you how I felt

Knew you’d never understand

You’d not expect me to feel like this

Kept getting defensive and more

Upto a point I could take no more

Your words kept raining down a storm

Swirling and tossing me on a high shores.

Drowning me in my ocean of tears

Then I decided to stop

Refuse to let you hold my heart ransom anymore

I surrended to what you want to think of me

I am just a game you wanted to play

You win I lose was, that’s how it was meant to be.

I cannot change anything

I cannot want you back

But keeping you sheltered and locked in my heart

Is the only place where you cannot depart!

Am I in love?

Am I in love?
Is this what I feel?
But I always felt like this for you.
Ever since I’ve known you

Why is it so new today?
Why does it feel rosy and sunny?
Why is there a mist in the air?
Smell of fresh daisies and dew.

I realised I am thinking about you
That every day this will always be this new
Fresh and mint like a new born babe
Pure and white like a snows delight

For to see you in my mind’s eye
Is to hold you close in my arms
To feel your presence near
To hear your heart beat next to mine
To hear the sound of our breathing
Blending and mixing as one

To hear the silent throb of your ache
My heart pulsates in a rising crescendo
For nothing can be more beautiful than you
When my searching eyes behold
You are truly beautiful in my sight
If you do not believe me
Come stay in my heart!

Wicked Mind

Wicked wicked wicked my mind
That feels so unkind
Unkind my thoughts
That damage my heart
Damaged my heart that burns my tongue
Burned my tongue that lashes out
More enemies than friends have made I

How trapped I feel inside
The walls and bonds of your presumption
How evil this mind that sways between hate and devotion

How terrible this burden I must bear
Cast on my shoulder
For a fault not mine
Delving deep on those wounds
Which cruel men with their lust inflicted
Broken the tender bow of my spirit
Set me off on a course of anger
Hatred buried so deep beneath
Seething waiting to explode

But what explodes is not me
It’s the anger and the wrong
That should not have been

Where were u when I was abused?
Where were u when as a doormat I was used?
What is it that now can be done?
To right a wrong
To right a spirit that stands forlorn.

Damaged beyond words am I
Damaged in my thinking
Damaged emotions course through my veins
Burning, scalding, bearing pain.

See that wound, that moment, that started it all
You can see for your eyes behold all.
Robbed of innocence
Trapped in blackmail
Jilted love just for gains

No one saw that person beneath
No one saw that  crushed soul
No one saw that  waif of a girl
Longing, hoping for true love’s gold
Running in directions for a sweet word
Madly following dust for pearls

You saw, u were there
You are here now
To you nothing is hidden
All externals are just veils
Your eyes can rend them all
Your word can heal it all

How hardened am I
Wickedness seeped in every act.
I don’t wanna be like that
I don’t wanna be hated
I don’t want nothing
I want to be free
From this madness overtaking me

Stretch out your hand and calm my soul
Hold my trembling heart in your fold
Show me how things can be right
Only the one who has made me has that sight…

Do I love you?

Do I love you?

Do I really really love you?
I can’t tell and I don’t know.
Can I look into your eyes and see it too?
Is this feeling for real, I wanna now.
Was this love at first sight
Cause I don’t believe in fanciful flights

Is this love? Do you feel it too?
Is this how it is supposed to be?
Cause no one told me.
That this burning and aching is not slight
A torment from hell and a nightmare
A sweet stabbing pain and flutter
Sweating palms and dry lips
With tenderness your name I utter.

Why do I feel this way?
For I can see you obviously don’t.
Is my mind playing tricks
Telling me to dream on in starry nights
Hope that you will respond too.
Hope that you will return and touch me
Kindle the fire and set me ablaze

Your eyes are all I need to see
To picture my true self inside of you.
In my soul, engraved is your face.
You have seared me with your gaze.
When you look at me I wonder
what thoughts run through that mind
Whether you will be kind
In your assessment of me

You are not playing with my heart
Flirting and twiddling away your time
Cause it’s not that simple u see
I am too entangled in you.
Don’t spin this web further
Don’t create this vortex
Cause I am spinning out of control

Loose cannon I am seem to you
Believe me, you have no idea what it takes
To even be standing on my feet and look at you.
For had it been your case
For had it been you in love
I am sure this would not be trifle mate!

(I don’t know what I am writing…loosing control)